Chapter 4b
The Final entry in the journal of Erwin Packard.
Monday, December 21, 1998
I went back through my journal today. This poor thing has suffered a lifetime with no more sustenance than a few scribbled pages here and there. I've given to it, but sometimes weeks or years between feedings, and I can tell it's spent all that time hungry for more.
The last thing I wrote in here was just a circle. A simple answer to a simple question. I remember the time it took, breathless, rounding every letter as smoothly as I could. It's a nice circle. Very clean. I'm glad I drew it.
I realized today while I was looking at that circle that you can't really wonder which choice is the right one. If it's supposed to happen, it will, right? So whatever did happen is what was supposed to happen, right? Maybe not, I don't know, I think I lost my point. What I mean to say is that I had forgotten about that circle until I decided to jaunt down memory lane in this notebook.
I had forgotten about it because, despite all the painstaking effort put into making that circle, neither it nor the answer it encompassed had any real meaning. I had at that moment decided to not just do something but to become something and from then on the question was just a joke. I think a normal person would be able to circle either option and not lose and sleep over it. I think a normal person who circled 'No' would probably not obey the voices in his head. I think a person who circled 'Yes' probably wouldn't either.
I still had the dreams after that and still had some nagging impression of a person always on my heels, but they got better. I saw a psychiatrist at some point and get medication to help with anxiety and sleeping. I hardly dream at all anymore. It's all still there, I can feel it slipping through the darkness of my mind when I look the other direction, but it mostly leaves me alone. I can almost ignore it now, like a normal person.
I think I might even have a normal life. It feels stupid to say that now but that's a new development for me. I used to think I could never function but I've passed a decade now with no more than a long bumpy runway and smooth skies since then.