Chapter 5c
July 4, 2013
There is one thing that's been nagging at me all these years, something I've pushed to the back of my mind, tried to forget about, but keeps popping up. "Corpora lente augescent cito extinguuntur." I have no idea what this means. I looks like Latin or something but I don't speak Latin or even know anybody who could translate it. I know there are resources, I could find somebody or use the internet, but to what end? The thing that always made this hard to deal with wasn't not knowing what it meant, it was not knowing why I knew it.
I think today I had an epiphany. I know the phrase, I know it's Latin, and I know what it means. As for where I learned it? I don't know how to say this without sounding crazy but I didn't learn it. I've never heard it said or seen it written anywhere in my life. I just knew it. This is not speculation. I haven't forgotten being taught that one Latin phrase. I know without a doubt, I can feel it in my bones, that I learned this phrase the same way one learns to breathe or salivate.
Knowing has not reduced my anxiety on the matter. This world is hard and doesn't pull its punches. A person cannot exist twice at the same point in time. I want to wonder how I know these words or their meaning but I can't. I can't imagine not knowing, even after all these years denying it. And now that I do know, now that I know what knowledge I have, I can't unknow it.
When I decided to be sane I left every ounce of insanity by the curb. I left everything. I started new and sculpted a new and more ideal self. I sculpted myself from sand, though, and the tide had come. Leaving those pieces behind cost me too much. I have been a specter, never quite real in this world. It worked, for a while I had been gifted with the illusion of normalcy, but as the tide grows closer my realities start to collapse. While I am true, I am solid, real, I am only real until the possibilities of the universe collapse together and find they don't need me.
For a moment I feel like I am sleeping but I'm not. My eyes are open and I'm vaguely aware of the world. Fireworks burst overhead and their pops and crackles slowly drift down around me. I am here but I should not be. I am not dying because there is nothing to kill. A person cannot exist twice at the same point in time.
Obtained key 1
